The Lesson of the Ego (We all have one)

Mine seems to be particularly strong and adept at evading detection. I become better with time at seeing it for what it is trying to be, but it takes active work and the courage to delve into my own shadows.

When I went through that first and sudden awakening, I had not heard much about spirituality, or kundalini, or a variety of other terms commonly used to describe such events. Google was my friend for this, and as much as I read and learned, the thirst for more knowledge could never seem to be quenched. I was determined to be the Very Best at this new subject I had found, the fastest learner, the quickest student. The “Most Spiritual”. What seemed to start happening to me, was an accelerated line of events in my life. The more I pushed to learn, the more karma seemed to slap me in the face and with increasing speed. Life became challenging.

My ego had been throwing me red herrings to try to boost my opinion of myself. I even remember saying to one of my (very loving and in retrospect very patient and gentle) friends, “I don’t think I even HAVE an ego, do I?” The arrogance and deep irony of that statement makes me cringe now. I had to make myself special somehow, different. Grandiose disguised in recognition that I was indeed very loving. A clever disguise, ego.

What does the universe do to someone like that? A sharp lesson in shadow-work.

Circumstances arose so suddenly that I seemingly had no control over, that my co-dependency and the patterns of old relationships were forced to be made plain. Triggers surfaced that I have never been exposed to before. I was a raw nerve ending and my monster of an ego was operating at full survival mode. I had no trust in men, and it was showing. I do indeed have an ego, as does everyone.

I have always been a giver. I love to give, I do it habitually and instinctively. It has been a large part of who I am for a very long time. I give my time, my resources, almost as a second nature. I easily sacrifice things that belong to me, quite often for little reward.

The reward is there, however. Sneaky reward – people see me as a very kind and generous and selfless person (I laugh now to think), and I feel Needed. I am Special and Needed.

In my mind I had been in relationships to this point with Takers. Narcissists. Energy Vampires. I was the giving, selfless, kind, dependable one. They were always taking from me until I had nothing left to give. I have now learned more about perception and the truth. In their minds, I was most likely portrayed as stubborn, demanding, and with poor communication. I also now know a lot more about boundaries. Setting boundaries is not a selfish act, but instead about creating healthy expectations in relationship that leave both parties feeling balanced, heard, and more able to listen and love. Giving over everything as I had been taught, was not “more loving”. I was not the “more capable” partner. There should be no dichotomy in a relationship and thinking like that breeds a shrieking harpy of an ego that surfaces to drive behaviour whenever the being is feeling unappreciated or disrespected. “I don’t need a man – I’m better off alone” as a feeling comes up often (only to be shattered in moments of true softness and connection).

This was my soul’s kick-up-the-arse shadow lesson in response. I had vocalised that supposition – “I don’t think I even have an ego” – and the universe had responded loud and clear. You have an ego my dear, and she is ANGRY. The researched slowed down, and the introspection began.

The ego is a protective mechanism.

Why do we get so defensive when we feel misunderstood? It is because the communication of others perceptions of us can either help build, or show a sharp contrast to the stick we measure ourselves by. We may have formed a strong opinion of ourselves (e.g. being a woman of strong ethical character and loving nature) that can be challenged by outside evidence (e.g. someone confronting that woman about gossip she shared in church that hurt another’s feelings). If our ego is injured and the view of ourselves as been altered, the ego attempts to repair this image by defending with excuses, deflecting attention away from the discrepancy by trying to discredit the other party, or even apologizing incessantly. If this action then makes me feel better about myself, the ego has done what it sought to do – maintain a particular and rigid view of How I Am As A Person. Homeostasis is maintained and the ego is intact. Daily operations and survival can go along as normal.

On the other hand, if we sit in our discomfort (of course also apologising but quietly and with sincerity) we learn all the more about our ego can greatly reduce its control over our lives. What this means is to recognise that I am feeling bad in this moment purely because I have been caught out and integrity is a big part of my self image - NOT because I acted in a way that directly hurt someone who is also a sacred vessel of the divinity of the universe. This change in mindset is a catalyst for massive personal growth and I use this as a litmus test every time I experience that feeling of inner dissension. Am I acting the way I am acting out of desire to be seen a certain way by myself or others?

The ego attempts to form a solid, separate identity in the mind.

When we identify in duality (us and them, me and you, one and another) rather than non-duality (we are ALL the universe at our core, together all expressions on the physical plane of that beautiful source energy), this is where the ego comes in. The ego likes hierarchy and knowing where it stands in said hierarchy. This is how we can see such a strong difference in the way we communicate with different people around us. The ego sees black or white, bigger or smaller, richer or poorer on the scale of the vessel that we inhabit. This in some respects can be helpful in communicating effectively in a group of varied characteristics and talents. But our egos tend to go further, especially in western cultures. Egos can ruminate and identify with those superficial characteristics as a way of attempting to protect the self. If I know where I stand, then I know how things operate here. If I am seeing myself at the top of that pecking order in some way (i.e., being the BEST at something, which could be being nice to people OR being a cold person for example; being the most generous, OR the most thrifty/stingy – whatever the ego chooses to place value into) then no one can hurt me here and challenge the identity I have built to protect my “self”.

People build entire identities around characteristics that the ego creates a value system on. Any time that you think or feel you have more value in a certain field than someone else, that is your ego talking. Whether you are truly more gifted in a particular field or not is not the question, it is whether your ego has placed value and therefore your identity into it.

Psalms 37:11 — “But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.”

Dwelling in the ego breeds anxiety.

When we dwell in the ego, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others (subconsciously or consciously) as a way of making sure we are lining up with our expectations of our own identities. This constant comparison with others only sets us up for anxiety or other mental health problems. When we strongly identify with a Persona or a Character, of who we are in our lives and how our stories are to play out, any deviation from the expected storyline is a failure and a disappointment. Any moment that lines up with the story we have built only reinforces the belief that we are that character and drives the need to stay on that course. But life can be seemingly random, and any moment events can happen that knock us off our supposed course and challenge our view of ourselves. When the unexpected happens (as it always does), the ego then scrambles to maintain control over the self-image. Have you ever performed mental gymnastics to justify your own poor behaviour? Or lashed out at someone with a feeling of righteous anger? These are both protective mechanisms of the ego.

On the contrary, when we dwell in the depths of Source within ALL of us for identity (some call this God, or the God-self or the Un-Manifested) we take ourselves out of the need to be a character in a storyline in the first place. This breeds a sense of peace because there are no expectations for how one should behave. In just being, right now, you are a miracle. The beautiful thing is that we ALL are a miracle together – we are all the universe just wanting to experience infinitely different things.

When my ego gets restless and whiny, wanting to be the Main Character in a Great Storyline, she wonders out loud -

“But spirit, aren’t I SPECIAL in some way?”

Spirit always replies -

“Yes child, you are very special, because JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, you are the universe incarnate.”